I am a competitive person. I was a Division 1 college athlete. Academically throughout college and graduate school I always strived to be at the top of the class. In many ways, I view this as a strength and attribute much of my personal success to this competitive nature. But I am slowly learning there is one place where there is no room for competition and that is parenting.
Competition and comparison between different families, children and parenting styles can of course be toxic and detrimental to relationships (that’s a blog post for another day). But what I am finding out is that little spark of competition between a mom and a dad can be even more dangerous.
Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had. It can be physically exhausting between the sleep deprivation, diaper changes, and never ending cycle of breakfast, lunch and dinner (plus snacks). But more importantly, being a mother can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. We are often the default parent, planning, packing and executing every detail of every day to make our families and households run smoothly. We are the constant decision makers and protectors for these little humans who grew inside of us. And while all of this comes with immeasurable joy, the sheer volume of tasks on our plates as moms can feel daunting, overwhelming, and frankly isolating.
When I have found myself in that survival mode state of mind, the first person I always take these frustrations out on is my husband. I make lists in my head of what I have done for our babies vs. what he has done. I tally up the time I have been solo with them vs. the time he has had them on his own. I unsuccessfully try to think of just one time he has called the doctor on behalf of our three children, done the grocery shopping or packed the diaper bag to leave the house. It is almost as if I am loading up on ammunition for a fight (you can probably see my competitive nature coming out) because if anyone should be helping me shoulder the mental load of our family it should be him. Which is 1000% true! BUT what I often forget is that he is carrying a weight of his own that I cannot even begin to understand. The “dad” weight (pun intended!)
We are on the same team. We both have strengths that are meant to compliment (not compete with) each other. Our roles are unique, especially in this season of life with small children. While I may get frustrated thinking “he could never do what I do as a mom” the truth is I’m not sure I would be a great dad if our roles were reversed.
Dads are so special. They encourage risk taking and exploration. They provide a sense of security physically and emotionally. They establish and enforce rules and boundaries. They show daughters what a good relationship with a man looks like. They teach sons how to be men. They instill self-sufficiency and independence. They are providers, playmates, and most importantly role models. Children will grow up imitating the behavior they see from their fathers and constantly seeking their approval. Dad’s shoulder these responsibilities effortlessly. They are built for it.
Growing up, both of my parents were very involved in my childhood, but the majority of my core memories surrounded my dad. I know my mom did many unseen and unappreciated tasks that kept us safe and cared for and thriving, but truthfully my dad was my idol. As I watch similar dynamics unfold in my own young family, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous.
My babies love and idolize their daddy already. We are all lucky to have him and I am thankful that he is the man he is knowing what a formative role he will play in their lives. So while I do sometimes envy the “dad” job description, I know deep down that this parenting thing is not a competition and we both bring unique value to our children’s lives.