5 Ways to Help Big Sibling Adjust to the New Baby(s)

Three under two. Two under two. Four under five. Two under five. It’s all hard, but it’s all so worth it. Just ask any one of the parents of young children who are found uttering these phrases (and countless other combinations) and I promise most will tell you how the chaos of diapers, feedings, car seats, mealtimes, dishes, laundry etc quickly fades.  In its place, parents are left with a front row seat to watch, arguably, one of the most formative relationships of a person’s lifetime blossom: siblings.

Our parents leave us too soon, our spouses and children come too late, but our siblings are with us for the entire ride (usually). You shared a childhood.  Siblings are the only ones who know what Christmas morning felt like in your house growing up.  They shared the losses of grandparents and parents in the same way you did.  They are the only ones that have known every version of you, from toddlerhood to teenagers, adulthood to elderly years.  So next time you find yourself overwhelmed with the chaos of life with littles, remember what a beautiful lifelong gift you have given them in their sibling.

Around 80% of children in the United States have a sibling. Our son Ike gained his siblings, identical twin sisters Matilyn and Nora in March of 2024 when our family officially fell into the category of three kids under two years old: three under two.  If my “mom math” is correct, I believe the only way to fall into this unique category is by having multiples (or potentially through adoption). Ike was 18 months old (almost to the day) when Mattie and Nora were born.

Throughout my pregnancy, I spent time researching ways to help older siblings adjust to a new baby (or in our case babies) in the house.  What I found was many of the suggested strategies did not work for us because at 18 months old, Ike was in many ways still a baby himself. We tried getting him a baby doll, he threw it down the stairs. We tried reading him stories about “being a big brother,” he had minimal interest. We tried involving him in the nursery set up, he just pulled all the folded clothes out of the dresser. He wasn’t quite developmentally ready to understand these higher level strategies. So we backed off a bit and here is what we found actually worked to help our little guy transition:

Coregulation

Children are so perceptive and often mirror our emotions. That is why coregulation is so important. Coregulation helps me remember that my calm is contagious.  The more regulated and calm I can keep myself, the calmer everyone around me is.  I frequently use this technique in my work as a pediatric occupational therapist.  But, phew, the postpartum hormones apparently made me forget everything I have ever known about this concept.

When we returned home from the hospital with our twins and I hugged that humongous boy who used to be my little baby I could feel my heart shatter into a million pieces because I knew (and I think he knew too) my heart was no longer exclusively his. As dramatic as it sounds, I truly felt like I was grieving our special one on one bond. And he picked up on that. I felt like he hated me for changing our dynamic. He became super attached to his dad for those first few weeks which made me feel even more guilty. It also didn’t help that I had lifting restrictions post C-section to not pick up anything heavier than 10 pounds (30 pound toddler included).

I was “off” emotionally, feeling guilty and riding the postpartum emotional roller coaster and there is no way that made the transition any easier on my toddler. He mirrored my emotions. In retrospect, I wish I would have been more intentional about being a sturdy regulated adult model for him during that period. I share this not to discourage moms from feeling whatever they are feeling postpartum (because we physically have to ride this emotional rollercoaster) but simply to offer the perspective of coregulation. Our children look to us as their emotional sounding board, and as much as our lives are turned upside down by the arrival of a new baby (or babies), just imagine how that transition must feel for a little one. So please learn from my mistakes and remember that our toddlers need us to model how to navigate these big emotions.

Solo Time with Mom and Dad

Prioritizing solo time with our toddler was also key to helping him thrive when we brought his sisters home. Most first borns are accustomed to having at least one on one attention, if not two on one attention, so starting to share this attention with a new sibling is a big adjustment.  Fortunately my husband had an 8 week paternity leave, which sadly is very abnormal, so we were able to prioritize this solo time with whatever parent was not caring for the twins.  

Those first few weeks as we established breastfeeding with the new babies, dad took on most toddler duties. I would guess this is a fairly common occurrence. If I am being honest, I felt like I was on vacation at first! After the exhaustion of chasing around a toddler with a full term twin pregnancy, holding and nursing newborns felt like a dream. But soon I missed my big boy and craved some solo time with him so we spent time getting my husband comfortable with the new babies so we could trade off. 

Whether it’s a spouse, a grandparent, an in-law, an aunt/uncle, or a friend, I encourage any parent welcoming a new sibling to take advantage of their support system not only for yourself and your own sanity, but also for the wellbeing of your older child. They are going to miss you and will undoubtedly benefit from any opportunities you can create for one on one connection.

Once dad returned to work, I created pockets of one on one toddler time while the babies napped. As much as I wanted to contact nap with my sweet cuddly newborns, personally, this was more important. The dishes could wait.  The laundry could wait. The desire to get all 3 to nap at once could wait. Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of days where solo time with my toddler just did not happen and my “mom guilt” ate me alive, but in those early weeks and months, my toddler needed me just as much if not more as my newborns, and that was my priority whenever possible!

Keeping a Consistent (but Flexible) Routine

Toddlers crave structure and routine, but toddlers are also human. Initially we tried to keep everything from Ike’s breakfast to bedtime routine the same as it was before the twins arrived home, but then it hit us one night mid meltdown… things were NOT the same for him and he is smart enough to know that. He was curious and vulnerable and all he wanted was to be close to us and to feel safe and loved. We brought him into our room to sleep with us and all it took was a few nights of the twins waking up to eat for him to voluntarily move right back to his crib!

So while we kept some things consistent for him such as going to daycare for a few hours a few days a week or prioritizing his afternoon nap, we tried to be flexible whenever possible. Because flexibility, after all, is what we were asking of him so why not model it ourselves!

Include Your Toddler Whenever Possible

Becoming a “big brother” or “big sister” is a BIG deal and I believe it is our job as parents to help nurture the sense of pride that our toddlers are developing as they enter into this new role. Why not highlight the good things that come with this new role to help balance out the feelings of sacrifice as parents learn to divide their time. 

Many of our visitors during those first few months not only brought little gifts for the new babies but also brought small gifts for big brother. Our visitors often greeted Ike first before meeting the new babies and I think this attention and inclusion really helped with his transition. 

We also spent time before the twins were born teaching the concept of “gentle” so that once they arrived Ike could be involved in baby care without hurting them.  There were still PLENTY of redirections, but being familiar with this concept did help.

Our big guy is now an expert diaper grabber, toy retriever, and pacifier placer. What started out as a way to include him has become actually very helpful when I need an extra set of hands! He is very protective of his “sissies” if any curious kids want to look into the carrier during morning drop off at daycare. He gives them hugs and kisses as part of his night time routine and loves to try to say “I love you” by poking them in the eyes (yikes!) The girls smile and laugh at every little thing he does and they gaze up at him in awe like he is the most amazing person they have ever seen (because he is).  But best of all, he loves his sisters down to his core and they love him right back and what more can my mama heart ask for?

Give it Time

There is really no perfect way to do any of this. I have never heard someone with a toddler and new baby say “yep they were totally prepared and ready for the new baby. We had no issues.” It is a time of transition. Give them grace and give yourself grace. It takes time for their heart (and your heart) to grow and make space for the new member(s) of your family.  Everything will get back to a new “normal.” In the meantime make your toddler feel loved & safe and do everything you can to foster the development of this new sibling bond, because as much as it may feel like you are “taking something away” from your toddler when the new baby arrives, remember you truly are giving them a lifelong gift in a sibling, maybe someday they will even thank you for it!